Don't Trouble Yourself
by meganekko-bomb
Summary: Once again, my Language Arts project gets turned into a fanfiction. FMA, DiscworldTerry Pratchett Xover. Total OoCness and crack. RoyEd.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Trouble Yourself**

**Xover**

Involving characters from Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist, and Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters. Quite possibly the oddest things I've ever written.

Apologies to Miss Ploc, but I couldn't resist.

OoC alert!!! Consider yourself warned! But it's so funny!!

RoyxEdward,

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It was the sort of night that you wish was dark and stormy, but the sky refused to comply, all the while mocking you with half-covered stars, and saying something in sky speak about "Ha, ha, I will not bow to your meteorological desires!"

It was on this night that Edward Elric was sitting beside a large stone in the middle of a blasted moor, listening to his commanding officer, Colonel Roy Mustang cackle and stir a cauldron, wearing a tall black hat that rather matched his raven hair.

"When shall we meet again, Fullmetal?" he screeched in a high, annoying voice.

"I expect we'll commence to meet today when our third member arrives. You're getting awfully ahead of yourself, don't you think?"

"I'm setting the mood. I am summoning a storm of epic proportions that will wow the general public!" Roy laughed impressively, brandishing the ladle at the calm sky, "Just you wait sky! You will be fearsome!"

_Generally the sky in fantasy novels is supposed to convey the setting and mood. Pathetic fallacy is a greatly predominant feature of a fantasy, as it helps the reader to relate to the supernatural feelings of the fantasy realm in a way that we can understand. As this is a fanfiction, I do not have to obey the norm of fantasy novels. So the sky is disagreeable with Roy. (oh burn)_

"Gosh, sorry I'm late!!" Winry Rockbell came rushing down the uneven ground, clapping her witch hat firmly to her light blonde head. "I was getting a bunch of new candles and sigils!!" (and various things that looked ridiculous, such as a semi-completed mechanical arm.)

"We meet under the hurly-burly of a stormy sky, on the night of darkness and strife, we persist to convene and plot our wicked ways!!" Roy proclaimed to the other two in a loud, ringing voice.

A cricket chirped from somewhere behind him as the others looked on disinterestedly.

Roy rounded on the source of the noise, his midnight blue eyes narrowing dangerously, accenting his exotic features. "You dare mock me, you insignificant insect?? I shall cut you up, and gather the pieces, and so help me I will _jump_ on them!!"

He ran off, tripping on his lengthy black robe and fell fully on to the ground.

"Do we have a purpose for this?" inquired Edward, who plainly refused to wear the pointed hat, even though Roy claimed he looked 'Just so darn adorable in it!'

_Ah, the purpose. All fantasies have a purpose. Whether it is a quest for destroying some evil, or seeking out a mythical gem like the Philosopher's Stone, there is always a purpose, quest, or obstacle to overcome for the hero, who I decided is Roy._

Right now there is the business of Roy's spell to consider. The cauldron sizzled alarmingly, a green jet of fire spurting from its depths. It snatched each of the 'witches' from their respective positions around the cauldron, spinning them like the proverbial top.

They were whisked through several pages of a novel, leaping from the book altogether and landing in another one, which was on the bookshelf beside it. The book fell off the shelf, nullifying any passage for our three heroes to their original story.

Why Fullmetal Alchemist was placed next to the Wyrd Sisters on this particular shelf is one of those unexplainable things that we will never truly understand. However, it is not entirely relevant, so lets just forget about it.

(Actually, it just so happens, this was a random placement of the authoress when her bookcase tumbled to the floor and she just shoved them in any order, so every manga was mixed in with a novel and it was a sad literary mess)

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"Excuse me, are you awake? If so, please give us some indication of your sanity."

Roy awoke abruptly, sitting up and startling a rather unattractive witch, who yelped and hid behind another, more imposing sort.

"Who are you?" demanded the elder witch, her hair up in an iron hard bun and her eyebrows up in her hair.

The raven-haired man tossed the charred remains of his ladle and hat to the side, "I expect I am Roy William Mustang, as far as I know, unless I am suffering of an identity crisis that I am hitherto unaware of."

"Magrat, go and find Gytha." whispered the elder witch, hitching her skirt and kneeling down beside the man.

"I think she's been drinking, Granny!" the junior witch squeaked, looking at Roy as if he were a demon. Truth be told she would have felt more comfortable if he was a demon. She could handle demons. He was a _man._

She ran off, her hands over her exiguous chest.

"Now," Granny grabbed Roy's chin, pulling his face close to her own, scrutinising him closely. "You don't belong here, do you?"

"Uh, where is 'here'?"

"Magrat Garlick's cottage in the Ramtop Mountains of Discworld."

"Well, I'm certainly not in Amestris any more."

After briefly explaining where he was from and the reason he was here, Roy helped himself to poking around Magrat's cottage, examining her magical books and supplies with ooh's and ahh's.

Magrat returned, with Nanny Ogg, and two unidentified strangers, the taller of the two supporting the shorter.

The strangers were both blonde, although the shorter one was a boy, his hair was more of a gold than blonde. The girl dropped the boy on the floor, prompting a giggle and a snort, followed by a point from Nanny Ogg, who, for lack of a better word, was completely sozzled. Roy looked round at their arrival, grinning invitingly.

"Hey guys! How did your trip go?"

Winry frowned, flipping her long yellow hair behind her. "You could have told us what you were doing."

"And spoil the surprise? No way!" Roy stared at Edward's unmoving form, a thin eyebrow arcing skyward. "What's happened to him?"

"He hasn't woken up yet! Your magic charged through his automail and shocked the life out of him!"

Roy looked apologetic, crouching down beside the teen.

"Hey, Fullmetal... come on a fantasy related adventure/quest with me and be a super duper hero to resolve a battle between good and evil in attempts to restore something we lost or to save the world/kingdom from certain peril, all the while maintaining the laws and restrictions of the magical realm? I'll bring sandwiches!"

Edward groaned, stirring slightly.

"See?" said Roy brightly, "It's all a matter of what you say to him!"

"That's fabulous." said Granny dryly, frowning darkly.

"A right smackeroo of positive energy!" Nanny Ogg slurred, alcohol on her breath. "Course I would've just given him a big ol' snog on the lips, worked like a charm for... wossname, Unconsciously Pretty."

"Try that, he's still asleep." Winry commanded.

Roy stared uncertainly at the unconscious teen, biting his lip nervously. "Suppose he wakes up?"

"You're the handsome prince! Don't you know every fantasy has a handsome something-or-other?" Nanny Ogg half-shouted, the alcohol dulling her senses. "Kiss him! Kiss him!!"

Granny looked stern and Magrat blushed, still uncomfortable amidst Roy's manliness.

"I am..." he began, "I am going to kiss the Sleeping Beauty!"

"Oh, that's her name? I was close, to wossname? Sleeping Booty?"

"Beauty, you drunkard!" snapped Granny.

Roy bent down and placed a kiss on Edward's lips, thus fulfilling a somewhat clichéd aspect of the fantasy novel.

_--Okay Roy, keep on kissing him, I have to explain something here--_

_There is always someone in peril, needing aid from someone more able or better at kissing, it's like a law or something. This is a staple of a fantasy genre, there is always something to be rescued from the forces of evil/awoken from eternal slumber/ destroyed for the greater good, etc. Without this, there really wouldn't be much of a plot, there would just be characters milling around, looking at magical things, and it has the potential to be rather boring. However, this fanfiction has this element of a fantasy novel, and so Roy is now kissing Edward. For the entire span of how long it took you to read this. Edward is one lucky guy. Oh, I just about forgot. Another element of the fantasy genre is the discovery of true love. Now they can stop kissing._

Roy broke off the kiss, smacking his lips in delighted satisfaction. Edward frowned slightly, staring up at the older man.

"I was wondering when you'd finish that." he mumbled.

Roy smiled, "I had to wait for the authoress to finish what she was talking about. It's very rude to interrupt the authoress. She could get mad and make something happen."

"Like what?"

_Like this, foolish boy!_

Suddenly Edward's clothing jumped exactly one foot to the right, stripping him down completely. (Except for his underwear, which is is magically jump-proof)(Also note that is is possible for underwear to be jump-proof, we're in a fantasy here!)

"Oh oh, you must have made the authoress mad!" Winry giggled, picking up the teen's clothes and placing them on a high shelf where the diminutive teen could not reach.

"Who is this authoress to whom you keep referring?" questioned Granny, addressing Roy.

"Ah, a special being with ultimate power, who controls our lives and destinies! She pens the very words we speak and the actions we take!"

"Suppose you were to defy her and strike back against her?" Granny asked, invariably alluding to another element of a fantasy genre.

_When someone has omnipotence in a fantasy, some people seem to think that it is their job to rid the world of this overpowering and usually evil power. Generally, it is some magic-crazed wizard, or something of the like. _

"That wouldn't be a good idea. She controls what we're saying... even what I just said!" Magrat looked terrified, she clapped her hand over her mouth, looking around as if the authoress would appear out of the woodwork.

Edward stood, showing off his mostly naked body, which in turn made Magrat squeak, hiding behind Nanny Ogg, who chortled and quaffed some Tombstone Digs' Ghost Rum down her front.

The golden-haired teen grabbed a piece of paper that floated down out of nowhere.

_This is a regular occurrence in fantasy, mystical messages to the next point in our adventure can arrive from any source, although they aren't usually as corporeal as a paper, but hey, I'm the authoress, I can do what I want!! Muahahaha!_

"It's a letter," supplied Roy, staring at the sigiled front. "To all of us, in order of:

Edward,

Roy,

Winry

Granny

Nanny

and

Magrat"

"Read it aloud, Edward!" commanded Granny, her hand waving imperiously at him.

The blonde nodded, unfurling the letter before him and reading:

_To the characters,_

_this is from the authoress. I would like you to know that I will take all of you and assign you to a role in which you must act in order for me to complete my English assignment. I am explaining the various elements of the fantasy novel-_

"I was wondering what all those words in italics were!" interjected Roy, who went very quiet as all of the company in the room gave him a serious deathglare.

_-and so I'm writing you guys into it because it was way more fun. Just so you know, Roy will kiss you again Edward. And yes I know you're the one reading this! Muahaha! Okay, anyway, this is who you'll be._

_RoyPrince Charming_

_EdwardAlso Prince Charming_

_WinryPrince Charming's squire_

_GrannyWicked Witch_

_MagratRoyal something or other_

_Nannyis currently passed out so she can just lay there and be a Commoner later_

_I hope you agree with my terms, because whether you do or not, this is going to happen in a wholly condensed version to spare my English teacher reading any more of this drivel. _

_Love and kisses, _

_meganekko_

"Hm." said the general company.

_Ps. This letter will activate as soon as you finish this sentence, so be prepared before Edward finishes reading it, which if you haven't guessed, hasn't happened just yet because I haven't used a period yet, and I sincerely hope I don't get docked marks because of a run-on sentence; of course you may actually not disappear, because it is debatable whether or not this is actually a sentence now that it has gone on so long._

The group promptly disappeared in a puff of logic.

_Cool, it worked._

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In summary, Roy (Prince Charming One), is going forth on by royal decree from Magrat (Royalish person) to save Edward, (Prince Charming Two), all the while going on a fantasy related adventure/quest being a super duper hero to resolve a battle between good and evil in attempts to restore something he lost or to save the world/kingdom/sexy prince from certain peril, all the while maintaining the laws and restrictions of the magical realm. He also brought sandwiches, which help us to relate to the fantasy realm more readily, because everyone has encountered a sandwich (Or should have, unless you live under a sandwichless rock), and so they can believe the world much easier, enhancing enjoyment.

He fights dragons/gryphons/evil fairies/evilness in general/ in his valiant effort to rescue his Prince. A Wicked Witch appears before him! And then the authoress remembers this is not Dragon Warrior, and that is not how battles are announced! Magic flies here and there, deterring out hero!

He jumps!

He dodges!

He cooks and cleans!

He [verbs!

Granny attacks him, but by some strange miracle, or his noble heart and love for the Prince, Roy prevails, charging through the Witch's defense and smiting her, thus winning the hand of the fair Prince.

As principles go, they live happily ever after.

The End, unless I feel the need to continue this.

Sorry, Miss Ploc.

Review for pie and cookies and cupcakes,

Love and kisses,

meganekko


	2. The Sequel of Doom!

**Don't Trouble Yourself- Chapter Two- The Second Project**

Refrain from attacking me. This is purely for my own amusement. (Also for marks, because I got a 95 on my last chapter, which is wholly unbelievable)

Anyway, here we go again!

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Exactly one month after his rescue, Edward agreed to marry his Prince Charming.

Their wedding was a nice affair, full of cake and love and a rather sozzled Nanny Ogg dancing on the table and showing off her petticoats, singing something about "The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All." (Which by the way is actually an old Oxford drinking song,)

Now the pair was on their way to their multiple honeymoon destinations, borrowing Fai D. Fluorite's super awesome world traversing staff, and were jetting here and there. Their paths were restricted to the order of books arranged on the authoress' bookshelf (still in disarray), resulting in some strangely exotic destinations.

For instance, the book Macbeth. How long the pair had trekked through that piece of work, all the while pointing out all the very obvious relation of the plot line of Wyrd Sisters to the events in Macbeth.

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"When shall we three meet again??" An extremely ugly witch screeched, frightening the two honeymooners away from their picnic.

They watched the first scene of Macbeth play through, frowns falling across their faces at the complete and utter lack of comedy.

"Well this seems like a waste of time." Roy commented, munching on a sandwich.

Suddenly the owner of the super awesome world traversing staff appeared before them and said with a gentle smile, "Why don't you watch the whole story? Here's a notebook to record the similarities!"

"Well, thanks, Fai!" Edward took the notebook, proceeding to open it and take notes.

Fai flew away.

"I suppose I could go and get a coffee and a doughnut while you're doing this, huh?"

"Sure roy."

"Oh thanks, my name doesn't even get a capital letter."

"You're distracting me, no capitalization for you."

Roy left for a short time, encountering a witch who was turning things left and right into carriages.

"Excuse me..."

"And Cinderella will miss the ball! Oh, bother! One of these has to work for a carriage!!"

"Hey you're in that _Wyrd Sisters_ book aren't you? Something about some mad witch who went around transforming pumpkins into carriages and the like."

"What on Cinderella's good earth are you speaking about, you strange person?"

Without waiting for a reply, the witch vanished with a wave of her wand, saying something along the lines of bibbidi bobbidi boo. The raven-haired man shook his head, turning around and coming face to face with a pair of cats on rollerskates.

"Well." he said simplistically. "Who are you then?"

The cats erupted into a couplet of praise towards some person named Andrew Lloyd Webber, accompanied by a huge orchestrated musical number.

"We are the creations of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Your dwarf stole our reference to make his play better!!"

"You are aware that doesn't rhyme, right?"

"Ksss!!!" the cats hissed, rolling away, chasing after a man in a mask to hide his disfigurement and narrowly avoiding the falling chandelier that materialized out of nowhere.

"This is highly irregular." said Roy to no one in particular.

"One would think, yeah."

"Why are all these strange people here, mystery voice?"

"I expect the authoress' books are still in disarray, which creates a rather odd storyline for us. But hey, it'll make for a cool honeymoon."

"Mystery voice, tell me what is coming next."

"I'm not a mystery voice, you fool. Turn around."

Roy complied, smiling in greeting as he noticed the blonde teen behind him.

"Hey there sexy, how goes it?"

"I finished my comparison of Macbeth, do you want to see it?"

"Sure, sounds like a spiffing idea." Roy said with a total lack of conviction.

"Here…"

Roy read the notebook with an air of slightly zoned-out disinterest, persisting to finish the notes for the sake of Edward's enthusiasm.

"And I also found several references to other things by Shakespeare! Look, see, Hwel's play is called _Please Yourself_, which is basically a parody title of _As You Like It._"

"Huh." said Roy noncommittally.

Edward was reaching the peak of the excitement of relaying a set of knowledge, as he usually became when expounding his intellect to someone who would listen.

"This is so fascinating! Look, on page 162," the blonde produced a copy of Wyrd Sistes from no apparent place. The Colonel suspected hidden pockets. "There's a reference to a Midsummer Night's Dream! They're all talking about the Fool, and Granny say he's got a face like a spaniel what's just been kicked! Which Helena proclaims loudly to Demetrius in the forest of the fairies! 'I am your spaniel, Demetrius!!' It's so obviously an allusion! And ohmygosh, look what else! When Magrat is greeting the other witches for their coven meeting, she says 'Well met by moonlight'! Which Oberon says to Titania in Midsummer Night's Dream! Furthermore, the theatre that is to be built is called the Dysk! The Dysk in Discworld, like Shakespeare's Globe Theatre in our world!! This is one of the most fascinating things I've ever studied!!"

He was panting slightly, as he had not taken a breath throughout the entire soliloquy.

A piece of paper floated down from the sky, much like th one that had appeared in the previous chapter. Roy snagged it and unfolded it, proceeding to read it aloud.

_Dear Roy and Edward,_

_I hope you're enjoying your honeymoon. But I have to ask you for a favor. Especially Edward, because he can do research like nobody's business. As far as I can tell, you've actually started what I was going to ask you to do. Find the allusions, parodies, and please please please, some examples of satire! If you do, I'll write you a honeymoon you will never forget! Equivalent Exchange, right? _

_I will also give you a cookie._

_Love and kisses,_

_meganekko_

Edward grinned widely. "Oooh, and adventure. Didn't you say you wanted to come an adventure with me, Roy-kun? And something about sandwiches?"

The raven-haired man sighed, smiling at the teen's exuberance. "Okay, let's go."

After a few minutes of perusing separate copies of Wyrd Sisters, Roy leapt from a recliner which is being mentioned for no apparent reason with a triumphant fist pumping action.

"Oh, oh! Satire! Right here!"

Edward jumped, dropping his highlighter. "Eek, where?!"

"I don't think you would have caught it, cause you don't care about politics, here. Felmet says, 'I have no recollection of it at this time.'"

"So?"

"So, Richard Nixon's subordinates said the exact same thing at the questioning of the Senate about the Watergate affair! That's a direct satirical stab at the scattered authorities and political structure of the nation, isn't it?"

"Aw, you're great. No wonder you're a Colonel. Well done."

"Okay, let's find more!!" Roy was now getting caught up in the excitement of discovery, plopping back down in the recliner with his arms in the air, yelling.

"WOO, LEARNING! GO LEARNING!!" He followed this up with the learning dance, which will go undescribed.

A few minutes passed. Uninteresting minutes that don't even deserve these words to describe them.

"Oh, look! Wizard of Oz!"

"What page?" Roy flipped the book papers around, trying to find it.

"Page 177, 'whirl a farmhouse to any available emerald city of its choice.'"

"Huh, look at that."

_Ah, look at them finish my assignment for me._

"Whoa, I just found a boatload! Look, Black Aliss Demurrage. Page 183. There's a list. I'm gonna write this down."

The ever-learning alchemist busied himself with writing a list of all the allusions pertaining to Black Aliss.

-"Turned a pumpkin into a royal coach once" (Cinderella)

-"sent a whole palace to sleep for a hundred years, business with rose bushes, spinning wheels, prince, ekcetra." (Sleeping Beauty)

-"Girl meets Frog" (The Frog Prince)

-"lived in a real gingerbread cottage. Couple of kids shoved he into the oven at the end" (Hansel and Gretel)

"What an illustrious witch." commented Edward.

"Ooh, ooh! Alice in Wonderland! Greebo is the Cheshire Cat on page 186!"

Another few uninteresting minutes passed, to which I will refrain from commenting about. Ha, too late.

The raven-haired man sighed, "Is that sufficient, do you think?"

"Oh probably."

They closed their books, and sat in contented silence, fairly sure _something _should happen.

And something did.

Another letter floated down out of the sky, stamped with glitter and sparkly stickers.

Edward caught it this time, he read aloud.

_To my favorite researchers,_

_Thank you so much for your help. Enclosed is your cookie, and you get gold stars too. Now for my end of the deal. You can go back to your own story for your honeymoon now. I'll rearrange my bookshelf so you can get back to Amestris. That's my big favor for you right now. Otherwise you would have had to travel through all of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Death Note, and a Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual to get back. Wyrd Sisters is now next to Fullmetal Alchemist, so you can go home now. _

_And Roy, I cleaned your house, and it has food in it now._

_Love and kisses,_

_meganekko_

"Wow, that's nice of her!" Roy exclaimed. "I really needed to clean my house."

"Let's go!"

The two departed, hand in hand, Edward carrying Fai's super awesome world traversing staff and transporting them to their own world, where they went on their honeymoon to Xing, whih is a beautiful region in southern Amestris.

Just go with it. Trying to work out the point of this story is pointless in itself, so don't trouble yourself.

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So that was the end. I'm not sure what I'm thinking about it at this point. Hm.

Well, whatever. It got the integral parts into it for the assignment.

Thank you Roy and Ed. Also 30 hits? Ha! People actually read some of the last chapter's drivel!

Love and kisses

meganekko

**Macbeth relating to the Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett**

The entire opening scene of Wyrd Sisters is a direct parody on the opening scene of _Macbeth_.

and _you_ said, "If it's to be done, it's better if it's done quickly", or something"

Act 1, scene 7: "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly."

"_All the disk is but an Theater_, he wrote, _Ane alle men and wymmen are but Players_. [... _Sometimes they walke on. Sometimes they walke off_."

As You Like It, act 2, scene 7: "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; [..."

"'All hail wossname,' she said under her breath, 'who shall be king here, after.'"

act 1, scene 2: "All hail, Macbeth; that shalt be king hereafter!"

Macbeth, act 4, scene 1

"'Can you tell by the pricking of your thumbs?' said Magrat earnestly."

"By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes".

"Double hubble, stubble trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bub---"

"Double, double toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and, cauldron, bubble."

"'We're scheming evil secret black and midnight hags!'"

Macbeth, act 4, scene 1: "How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!"

This is fascinating. The author is obviously well-read in the instance of Shakespeare, and this story is a much better take on the story of Macbeth.

E. Elric


End file.
